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A lobster fisherman from Maine gets pulled over by a New Hampshire State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the lobster fisherman about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the lobster fisherman feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The lobster fisherman says, "Havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the lobster fisherman replies, "circle flies hang around farms. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."
!
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the lobster fisherman replies, "Have too much respect for law enforcement to call you a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the lobster fisherman, in his best Maine drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies though".
Who touched our lives - A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" The priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hoo'kers! Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hoo'kers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument with his wife, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.'
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'
The second guy says, 'I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'
The third guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.'
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. 'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf.' And she said, 'You'll need a sweater'.
BACK TO TOP
Tanks are remarkable machines, but boy do they take up space in the garage, and parking them is no small challenge. Help is at hand however with the creation of the Funtrak Mini Paintball Tank, a massively scaled down model that not only holds a single occupant in their own personal armoured division, but can also fire paintballs! These awesome tanks are made to measure by Funtrak Ltd, a committed (and they quite possibly should be) team of engineers, designers and enthusiasts who aim for realism in construction and operation. Each tank takes about three months to make to your specifications, and comes with an integral roll cage - though you'd need to tip thing over 60 degrees to roll it - as well as an engine fire-wall. They're serious machines with a lot of fun packed into them. Their flagship product has to be The Paintball Panzer complete with a fire-while-driving paintball cannon. Ludicrous of course, but we can't think of any overgrown kids who wouldn't love one of these parked up at home.Features
A seriously cool, one person track laying vehicle.
The dream child of an ex-military tech director.
A team of engineers and designers will build your Paintball Panzer to order.
A glass reinforced plastic (GRP) chassis.
An engine firewall.
A fully integrated, ready-to-fire paintballing gun.
A rollover bar.
A roll cage.
Choose from six colours for your mean machine.
Can be driven on UK roads further to meeting DVLA regulations.
Please allow three months from ordering to receipt of your tank.
Suitable for ages 15 years+.
Size: 106 x 122 x 183cm.
For cost, customer reviews and more information go to I Want One of Those.com
BACK TO TOPTed Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him?
Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one that killed my brother?' "
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' They are very much like the French."
The interview ended at that point.
BACK TO TOPAn atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right! on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this)
I figure I had nothing Toulouse .
I had heard he tried to get away on the train but it derailed. Too loose, la track
BACK TO TOP"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi."
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and must atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men often complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend
Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said. "Gotta protect my skin."
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four
objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey and a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,"when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... what a shame that would be.
And worst of all.....if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin', no good bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over
to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy,"the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a congressman!"
BACK TO TOPWebmeister: The followingaritcle is from the CGC's "The Gamer's 'Zine." Dave Macrae and I found it after he moved from Wilton. I just now found it again buried under my old Arkham Horror board game.)
Note: The Gamer's 'Zine does not necessarily endorse the theological implications of the following material. We apologize to anyone who is sincerely offended. The sincerity of our apology is directly proportional to the sincerity of the affront.
Cthulhu loves me, this I know -
H. P. Lovcraft told me so.
Little ones to him belong,
They are meat but he is strong.
* * * * *
Gods rest ye! Scaly gentlemen,
let nothing you dismay -
Remember Great Cthulhu
Is coming back some day
* * * * *
Ol' Richard Pickman made some art.
There's one more river to cross.
He painted ghouls to stir the heart.
There's one more river to cross.
One more river
And that's the Miskatonic
One more river
There's one more river to cross.
* * * * *
Away in R'lyeh no crib for his bed,
The mighty Cthulhu laid down his
gross head
The Shuggoths and Deep Ones
Look down where he lay
the great god Cthulhu
Asleep may he stay!
* * * * *
Nyarlathotep is our god
A Chaos ever crawling
* * * * *
Deck the halls with boughs of fungus
Fa-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la.
Lest Cthulhu come among us
Fa-la-la-la-la.La-la-la-la.
Don we now archaic rayment
Fa-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la-la.
Till the elder gods want payment.
Fa-la-la-la-la.La-la-la-la.
* * * * *
Mine eyes have seen
The Great Cthulhu
Rising from the Sea
His hunger also rising
To devour you and me
Which is something worth avoiding,
I am sure you will agree,
But his slime goes oosing on.
* * * * *
This train is bound for Yuggoth-
This Train!
This train is bound for Yuggoth-
This Train!
This train is bound for Yuggoth,
Don't carrynothin' but
Shamblers and Shuggoths!
This train is bound for Yuggoth-
This Train!
This train is bound for Sarnath-
This Train! ETC.
Carryin' nightgaunts on the warpath
This train is bound for Sarnath-
This Train!
This train is bound for Arkham-
This Train! ETC.
Don't carry nothin' but
Deep 'Uns and Dark 'Uns!
This train is bound for Arkham-
This Train!
This train is bound for Salem-
This Train! ETC.
Don't carry nothin' but
Murder and mayhem
This train is bound for Salem-
This Train!
* * * * *
(and again, we do apologize, but--
'Tis the season to be silly!)
The next time the ice cream truck plays its melodious tune...
Run my boy, those treats will make you crazy as a loon.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at theSan Antonio CityPark. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Tom, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Tom: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 -AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those f&*$%# rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shat on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
strokes and shapes your way. Every time you click, a different color gets dispensed. If you don't click, the computer decides when and what color t dispense. Have fun paintings - make several creations - frame them.
Good luck!!
Jackson PollockBy Miltos Manetas, original design by Stamen
What army would you be in? Click on the link below fromQuizfarm to find out. http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=194168
BACK TO TOP"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- W.C. Fields
"Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser."
-- Professor Irwin Corey
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!
Buffalo Theory
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kill brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
-- One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm.
Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the
transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this?
Please read more about the "history of teaching math":
Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation
after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it..........don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ......Cocoa beans ...another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good foodaround!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whalesto me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember;
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out - screaming "WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
An East Coast Ivy League atheist professor was teaching a university class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.
He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by all the time taunting God, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
As the last minute approached he smugly smiled.
A young US Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force on the chin sending him flying from his platform and crashing to the floor.
The professor struggled up, badly shaken and yelled, "WHAT's the matter with you! Why did you do that?"
The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent The Marines"
Life is good.
I wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone.
So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I want to say to all of you:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA"
in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference
of the wished.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holidaygreeting,whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher...
Best wishes to everyone for this holiday season: Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanza, Boxing Day, Happy NFL on Saturdays and the end of the Monday Night Football on ABC, The Giants and Patriots in the playoffs and the Jets out of theitagony,Happy Birthday to the Second Company Governor's Foot Guard (Dec. 27, 1774), Happy News Years, Three Kings Day and any other reason to celebrate.
"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do.
There can be no courage unless you're scared."
- World War I Ace Pilot Eddie Rickenbacker